newimprovedtay

I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry I haven’t blogged in FOREVER.  School is going good. I have a new boyfriend, long distance relationship, doesn’t work well, but we’re trying. And I love Barclay(: Not much is going on.  I did a talent show with my newest bestfriend, his name is Ben. He is amazing(: Haha. Sorry this is so short. I’m so busy

Any tips on a long distance relationship? :/

Love you guys

So heres whats been going on.  I talked to Sammy. So we don’t know if we’re dating. He says “Taylor, we’re so much more than just friends, you know that..But I don’t know if we’re a couple.”  Which would be different if we got to see each other a lot. But we never can cuz his mom HATES me.  She’s always scared any girl is gonna steal her little boy away. Can you say UGH. But I like where we’re at, cuz we act like a couple.

Seriously guys, if this isn’t love I don’t know what is.  He means so much more to me than Tyler ever could have wanted to mean to me.  I never want to lose him, which scares me.  I think I’m falling in love with him…I honestly do. I’ve never felt this way before. Hence the title, which is from “I’d lie” by Taylor Swift.  The whole line is “He stands there then walks away, my God if I could only say, I’m holding every breath for you..” which I am.  I’m so crazy about him. I love him.  I do. His kisses are amazing.  When he holds me close, I feel like thats where I’m supposed to be.  He says he will always be in my life.  And I can believe him.  Which you guys should know, its not easy for me to do.  He is the most amazing person I’ve ever met, besides my aunt Christy of course, and he just gives me this feeling.  This feeling, that everything is right in the world.  And I’d give everything to be his anything <3

Another Taylor Swift song. Lol. But enough about love!

I’m going to the gym tomorrow. Lord help me. :p I hate it. Lol. My mom says she can’t wait for me to get home, cuz we diet and exercise together. Which rocks!  She’s such a good motivator.  Mostly because if I don’t do it with her she’ll be all pissy for the rest of the day, maybe even week!  Lol!  But heyy! Whatever gets me to do it! Haha!(:  Yay Mommy.

I have to tell you guys, the thermostat was broken last night, and I almost died without air.  I don’t know how Christy does it.  I’m hopefully going to see her Thursday, btw.  But yeah, she exercises EVERY DAY with no air.  She is seriously my hero.  I miss her. Shout out. Lol. Love you Gorgeous(:

Well thats all for now guys, I think I’m going to get some rest.  Love and Hugs!

Sammy and I got back together Saturday after the show that theater camp put on. Theater camp was terrible. Lol. Sammy couldn’t go, he could only go to the show, and everyone else was like nine. :/  But I was soo happy to see him Saturday. And he made me feel so wanted and so loved.  And he’s really trying this time. And I think it might work. Idk, but I’m gonna give it my all.  Feel free to kick me. I’ll love you for it.(:

Also I got a new phone today. My old one broke.  But I love this one. However it is my birthday present. :/ Oh well. My birthday isn’t til october. But yeah, so if you have text, or if you don’t have text, my number is 901 282 9031. Give me yours if you want to, call me anytime you need someone to talk to.  Or anytime you just want someone to talk to. I am always here(:  You can leave me your number or message it to me or whatever. Much love and god bless!

Sorry it was short. Not much to say. Love you guys!

So you guys know I didn’t want to right any time soon cuz I’ve felt seriously depressed lately. I made some bad choices (Thats where the title came from)  but I asked God for forgiveness, and am working on forgiving myself. We’ll see

I just wanted to share with you the good news.  My exboyfriend Sammy was texting me and asked about a theater camp, which he’s helping out with.  And he wanted to know if I’d go. But it’s $175. WOW!  But I talked to the director, and she’s letting me go on a $75 scholarship. And guys, i have the best  sister in the whole world.  She’s going to take me and pick me up every day(: And in return I’m going to watch her dog while she’s at work.  I go from 9-3 every day.  I’m so excited. And me and Sammy are really good friends, and I’ll get to spend a whole week with him(: Ahh, fun.  So yeah.  Hope you all have a good day.

First of all, I had another mental breakdown last night.  It was bad. I got all suicidal again, although I know my aunt hates to hear that.  I promise I’ll never do anything to harm myself. I promised my aunt, Tyler, and Sammy this. I just feel that way sometimes. My dad just drives me crazy; they fight constantly over here. I’m ready to be at home.  On to better news.

I started volunteering at my church with the little kids yesterday morning.  Two hours every sunday morning(: I love the little kids. They rock!  It was soo fun but totally wore me out!  Blahh!  Lol. They were sweet for the most part though. They totally rocked.  I can’t wait to do it again this Sunday!!

Wow. You guys would be sooooooooo proud of me!  See I stayed up really late talking to my bestfriend on the phone friday night, til four in the morning, thinking I could sleep late on Saturday morning.  WRONG. My dad wakes me up and notifies me that I have 20 minutes to get ready; we’re going to the gym.  Mind you, I haven’t been to the gym since before Florida. So I get up, throw on some clothes.  My hairs sticky from the hairspray from the night before. I try to make it look somewhat decent. I scrounge around for my ipod and get the mourning breath out of my mouth. So we get to the gym. I have my mind set at an hour.  Dad, who was soooo excited about going that he had to wake me up and who got WAY more sleep than I did, stopped after half an hour. I finished out my hour(:  Now I know he’s older than me and I should be proud he stuck it out that long, but hey. He woke me up for this! Lol.

I love special K.  Its supposed to be good for you. If you like any diet food, you should try special k. Cuz I don’t even eat it because its diet friendly. Seriously(:

So I met this kid. He’s gay, so its not like that. He’s soo super sweet. We’ve been talking like nonstop. He’s becoming one of my bestfriends.(:  Good?  I think so. So I guess thats really all I have to talk about. Maybe it wasn’t that much after all. Well I love you all! Have a great week.

I love that song by Pink. If you haven’t heard it you should definitely check it out. Sober by Pink.(:  So yeah.  I’m sitting here and its like almost three in the morning.  But I talked to Jimmy, my friend who said it was my fault about his life.  So I was like dude, wtf?  And I commented on his status and was like “uhm why is this my fault?  this is my fault. i did not do this.” and it was the coolest thing ever cuz his mom wrote on his wall and said “Why is Taylor saying its not her fault? I hope you’re not blaming her for your breakup with Bri, because you did that yourself son.”  I was like omg, THANK YOU!  And yeah so we talked and he said it was a typo. He just doesn’t have a lot of time for me cuz his life is going good. And he’s gonna do college soon.  But its NOT my fault. It was just confusing.  And though I’m still mourning over Michael and my teacher and Sammy, you don’t know how much better I feel.  Just knowing that it was all a big misunderstanding makes me feel a lot better.  And I love his mom for sticking up for me(:  I told her how much she rocks.  But I fully believe in the title of this blog.  The only person who can bring you down is you.  And the end, I won’t bring me down!(:  I love each and every one of you, you are amazing. Thanks for always being there for me! God bless!

I lost another friend tonight.  Thats the third one in two weeks.  Guys, there really is something wrong with me.  Ferreal.  He lives in Alabama and he was gonna come see me next week.  I was really excited!  But then he messaged me and told me he can’t come.  And I’m the reason his life won’t turn around. :’(  I don’t know what I did.  And I just.  Obviously its me. You can tell me over and over again that I’m wrong, but here is a list of every friend’s life I have ruined since last October: Tyler, Cody, Sammy, Michael, and now Jimmy.  Thats a lot of people.  And they all just left me.  Most of them without any excuse, most of them without saying goodbye.  This is why I refuse to let people in.  I have anger issues.  When I get mad I throw all my pillows on the floor.  Then I just collapse wherever I’m standing and sob on the floor.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m hurting. Dying on the inside, faking the smile on the out.  Its getting really really freaking old.  And I’m just not sure how long I can keep it up anymore guys.  I’m tired of hanging on.  I feel so alone and isolated all the time.  I feel like I don’t have anyone that I can trust who will always be here.  My aunt, the only one who stays with me through everything. I’m gonna go curl up in a ball and cry. Love you guys.

I really truly thought me and Sammy were going to get back together.  He got a new girlfriend today guys.  First Michael, now this.  I am seriously depressed.  I just want to cry all day every day for the rest of my life.  I guess I have to pick up the pieces again.  I’m not quite sure what I keep doing wrong.  I did everything for him.  I tried so hard.  And I don’t understand why everyone tends to walk out on me.  See, I told you I’m attention needy!!  Its guys like him that make me feel like I should just go away and be antisocial.  Which is so not like me.  I miss my friends, I miss school.  I feel like I’m losing everyone that I love and I’m surrounded by people who just wanna bitch at me.  My dad, my grandma. Etc.  I know how my aunt feels all the time.  I wish she was here.  I lost my teacher, my bestfriend, now Sammy.  Who’s next?  You guys?  My aunt?  My little sister?  I wanted him more than anything.  I wanted it to be me and him, I was falling for him.  This guy meant so much to me.  He just texted me and said he didn’t mean to hurt me and that he just moved on.  I threw my phone across the room.  I’m so heartbroken.  I just, I ……………………………help.

I’ve pretty much been told three times today that I am desperate for attention.  This really hurts me.  But I can actually see it.  I text people a lot, call people a lot.  Instant message a lot.  I just like to be around people.  No one seems to understand that.  I really, really like people.  Like, they make my life.  I guess that does make me an attention whore. :’(  Maybe  I should just go away for awhile, and not bother anyone anymore.  I think a lot of my exboyfriend Tyler, I really do. And I thought we were getting back to where we could be friends.  Tonight he told me how annoying I really am.  He says he doesn’t know why but when I talk to him, he is sooo annoyed.  And I don’t try to talk about like our past relationship or anything bad like that.  We just talk about life.  And usually stuff he likes, like cars and computers and college and stuff.  One of my “bestfriends” answered a survey question about me; the question was “Do you wish you never met me?”  Even my exboyfriend Sammy answered that one with a no.  She answered, “sometimes I don’t wish I had never met you, but most of the time I really do wish I had never met you.”  Thats when she also told me I’m desperate for attention and weird.  And as far as Tyler goes, I ‘m so sick of him categorizing me as just another stupid teenager.  I’m not another stupid teenager, I’M JUST NOT.  I have a good head on my shoulders; I think drama is overrated, as are relationships.  And hello! He’s only a year and a half older than me.  Wtf?  I just, I don’t know anymore you guys.  After Michael walking out on me, and just everyone.  I’m really really hurt.  I miss my aunt like crazy, but I can’t go home.  My dad won’t let me.  I also miss my older sister.  I miss their hugs.  :’(  I litterally have tears in my eyes.  I can’t wait to get my own apartment and my own place and be on my own!  Grr.  I’m still in mourning over my teacher.  I wasn’t even allowed to go to the funeral.  My dad doesn’t like me going back to my mom’s during the summer.  He won’t even let me go to my friend’s party.  I’d like to tell him fine, I’m going home and you don’t have control over me when I’m there.  Ha.  But that would just make a HUGE fight.  And even worse, my aunt (the one who’s my bestest friend ever and who I text everyday  constantly) is going to Texas for two weeks, and we won’t be able to talk much.  :’( More tears.

I do have some good news, my mommy’s having my sister’s car fixed and giving it to me.  I’ll be able to drive it in September.  YAY!  I can’t wait to drive on my own because I’m so dependent on my mom to take me everywhere.  Also, my sister is in good with her manager at Texas Road House, so her mananger said the day I turn 16, I have a job there.  My sister’s soooo excited, as am I.  I love her dearly.(:

Other than that, theres no good news.  I’m seriously self hatin tonight.  Yes I’ve been suicidial recently.  I’m trying to get it together.  God bless, much love.

-Tay

So I don’t think I ever mentioned him on here before, but one of my bestfriends is an internet-buddy of mine.  His name is Michael.  Ha, this kid is soo cute.(:  We always said we were gonna get married. We played around, but I really did love him as my bestfriend. He was amazing!  Even though I’ve never met him in person, he still meant the world to me you know? Okay, now hold onto that thought.   Well now lets take a trip back to Cody, does anyone remember him?  He stopped being friends with me, without telling me why or saying goodbye, because his girlfriend didn’t like me.  I told Michael about all of this. He said how horrible it was, and how we would always be friends, and he couldn’t believe someone would do that to me. He promised he’d never leave, and I thought I could trust him.  But last night, he did the same thing to me.  He deleted me off myspace, and his girlfriend was like “Oh yeah, he’s leaving you for me. Hehehe.”  I was like, seriously? Michael, seriously?  I’m so heartbroken, I can’t believe he would do this to me. I’m sorry, I think I’ve got all the bestfriends I need. No more letting people in, this is too painful.  I will never trust someone fully ever again, I have been through this three times now. I don’t understand why people’s girlfriends see me as such a threat. Hello! I’m not skinny and not pretty, they don’t want me!! But because they’re so “in love” they end up hurting me.  Uhm, hello! We are 15!!  We don’t know what the heck love is most of the time!  And haven’t you seen the movies? You never dump your real friends for your girlfriends.  Its just common sense!  Right?  I think I’m just  WAAAAYY ahead of my years. I act like I’m 18 sometimes. I just get frustrated with the stupid drama.  And the other two times someone left me like this, I took them back. But now, I’m just not so sure this time guys. I don’t know if I can let him back in. I’m so sick of people telling me they’ll always be here, and then they leave.  It happened with three of my bestfriends, and my supposed to be stepdad. I always acted like I didn’t like him, but deep down, I did. I’d never admit it to my mother or anyone else, but I did. He was kinda like a second dad to me, and he really like me too. But he left us for stupid reasons and now he’ll never be back because he broke my mommy’s heart, which was the most painful thing to watch. I’ve watched so many people walk out of my life, and I’m only freakin 15! I saw both my sister’s dads be complete asses and leave. I’ve seen my own dad lock himself away in his room, and refuse to  come out.  I always wonder if maybe I’m doing something wrong. Something’s gotta be wrong with me somewhere. I just really need to see that a person can stay in someone else’s life and not walk out on them ever.  I’m not so sure I’ll ever find it.